Ian On The Red Dot

Jen Kwok sings about dating an Asian

Hey there, my name is Jen Kwok
And I’m here to tell you that dating Asians rocks
They have smooth skin and silky hair
So damn exotic, got that ethnic flair
So sweet and gentle, smell so good
So freaky, nasty, do what you always wanted to
So obedient, they’ll please you like no one can
That’s right, I’m talkin bout an Asian man

Everyone should date an Asian man
Don’t gotta be serious, just f*** an Asian man
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one

If you feel inspired by the song, and a lady …

Notes:

The brilliance of this song is not the lyrics. The lyrics are just proof of Jen Kwok’s amazing execution as a comedian. Who didn’t first think that the song was about the virtues of dating Asian women, especially from the perspective of non-Asian men. The first thought, at least mine and I dare to say for many others, betrays how we see Asian women as the only sex from the Asian ‘world’ to have any sort of social value in the Western parts of this earth.

Full lyrics:

Date an Asian
Song Lyrics by Jen Kwok
Rap Lyrics by Soce, The Elemental Wizard

Verse 1:
Hey there, my name is Jen Kwok
And I’m here to tell you that dating Asians rocks
They have smooth skin and silky hair
So damn exotic, got that ethnic flair
So sweet and gentle, smell so good
So freaky, nasty, do what you always wanted to
So obedient, they’ll please you like no one can
That’s right, I’m talkin bout an Asian man

Chorus:
Everyone should date an Asian man
Don’t gotta be serious, just f*** an Asian man
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one

(Hey, eh)

Verse 2:
Asian men don’t whistle when you walk down the street
They’re honest dudes, honey they won’t cheat
Not sayin if he sees a hot chick, he won’t bone her
Hey, that’s why we got concubines in our culture
Some people say that I am full of bull****
Yeah I’m dating a white guy, but I ain’t no hypocrite
I’ve dated Chinese, Korean and Sri Lankan
Yeah, I’m down with the brown
Don’t even get me started

Bridge:
Where my Punjabis at?
Where my Philippinos at?
Where my bubble tea drinkers at?
Everyone should be raising their hands for that one – it’s delicious!

Chorus:
Everyone should date an Asian man
Don’t gotta be serious, just f*** an Asian man
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one

Rap (Soce):
What’s happening? Are you Japanese? Can I have a piece
Of miso, maybe a frappochino
And speaking of Chinese, meet me at Silk Road Place please
For the open mic, plus some bubble tea
And Thai, I met a cute guy when I ordered Tom Yum
I could go there every day, feelin on his hot bum
Cultural exchange, I could teach you the Torah
Light the Menora, can I have samosa?
Rotating your medicine balls
In the palm of my hand, never lettin em fall
I hope that I look as good as Andy Lau
When I advance in age, still standing proud
And what about my Persian peeps? Certainly!
Help me to absorb the heat. You’re sure to please.
To my Patels, Kims and Wongs, my love’s quite strong
Like a Bollywood movie, we dance all night long

Chorus:
Everyone should date an Asian man
Don’t gotta be serious, just f*** an Asian man
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one
At least f*** one, at least, least f*** one

Breakdown:
Asian men have been such an important force in my life
Like my dad
Don’t date my dad
He’s married to my mom
And, theoretically, I’m old enough to handle it if they got a divorce
But, you know, it would kinda mess with me
It would kinda mess with me, I’m not gonna lie
So just…don’t date my dad

(Don’t f*** the same one, find a different one)
I’d cut you
(That would be a gang bang)
Yeah, that’s not cool – don’t date my dad
(Unless that’s what you’re into,
I’m not here to judge,
Make it consensual)
I’m not even gonna tell you his name
So you’re not gonna be able to find him now
And therefore, you won’t be able to date him

Watch till the end of this video. Nasty.

After years of playing golf with my dad with a female caddy following us on the course during puberty and the period of my life where girls first entered my radar in a significant manner, I can’t believe I never saw this and this coming.

Not only are they BEAUTIFUL, but they know the difference between a putter and wedge, take care of your ball, clean your clubs, drive your cart, fix divots, tend the pin, and most importantly keep you smiling! You’ll be the envy of your fellow golfers with a day on the greens with the PLATINUM TEES.

Some phrases which are just going to have different meanings from now on:

1. Did she clean your clubs?
2. How many strokes did she give you.

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex:

10. There’s no foreplay before playing the hole.
9. You can piss in the hole after you’ve taken your balls out and your friends think it’s funny.
8. You can play 18 holes and not feel like you’re cheating on your wife.
7. You don’t have to buy dinner and flowers before you play each hole.
6. Your don’t get embarrassed about the size of your putter.
5. If you let your friend use your 9 iron they won’t become attached and try to control your life.
4. You can whack the shit out of your balls at each hole and it doesn’t hurt a bit.
3. You can putt from the rough and not be accused of homosexuality by your friends.
2. You can drink beer while counting your strokes during play at each hole.
1. If you get a hole in one your not obligated to sleep the night.

The son introduces the father:

Hearing about how he would commute back just to be with the family, a commute that the son mentioned was four hours, I can’t help but think Singaporeans are generally weak, seeing how we feel about our own commuting experience in Singapore.

Much closer to home – look at the Malaysians who cross over to Singapore everyday to work.

When something is important enough, the strong will make it happen.

Transcript:

Good evening, I’m Beau Biden. And Joe Biden is my dad.

Many of you know him as a distinguished and accomplished senator. I know him as an incredible father and a loving grandfather. A man who hustled home to Delaware after the last vote so he wouldn’t miss me and my brother’s games. Who, after returning from some war-torn region of the world, would tiptoe into our room and kiss us goodnight. Who turns down some fancy cocktail party in Washington so he won’t miss my daughter Natalie’s birthday party.

The truth is, he almost wasn’t a senator at all. In 1972, shortly after his improbable victory, but before he took the oath of office, my father went to Washington to look at his new office space. My mom took us to go buy a Christmas tree. On the way home, we were in an automobile accident. My mom, Neilia, and sister, Naomi, were killed. My brother, Hunter, and I were seriously injured and hospitalized for weeks. I was just short of 4 years old. One of my earliest memories was being in that hospital, Dad always at our side. We, not the Senate, were all he cared about.

He decided not to take the oath of office. He said, “Delaware can get another senator, but my boys can’t get another father.” However, great men like Ted Kennedy, Mike Mansfield, Hubert Humphrey — men who had been tested themselves — convinced him to serve. So he was sworn in, in the hospital, at my bedside. As a single parent, he decided to be there to put us to bed, to be there when we woke from a bad dream, to make us breakfast, so he’d travel to and from Washington, four hours a day.

Five years later, we married my mom, Jill. They together rebuilt our family. And 36 years later, he still makes that trip. So even though Dad worked in Washington, he’s never been part of Washington. He always sounded like the kid from Scranton, Pa., he is. And even that is a story of overcoming.

Now some people poke fun at my dad talking too much. What a lot of people don’t know is that, when he was young, he had a severe stutter. The kids called him Dash — not because he was fast on the football field, which he was, but like a dash at the end of a sentence you can’t finish. But now he speaks with a clear and strong voice. He says what needs to be said. And he does what needs to be done.

When domestic violence was often a dark secret, Dad wrote the Violence Against Women Act, which gave countless women support, protection and a new chance at life. When crime was spiking in our communities, Dad wrote the crime bill that put 100,000 cops on the streets and led to an eight-year drop in crime across the country. When Serbian thugs were committing genocide in the Balkans, Dad didn’t hesitate to call Slobodan Milosevic a war criminal to his face, and to convince Congress and our allies to act. He’s willing to speak truth to power: to the White House and to world leaders.

I know my father will be a great vice president. As I mentioned, my dad has always been there for me, my brother and my sister, every day. But because of other duties, it won’t be possible for me to be here this fall to stand by him the way he stood by me. So I have something to ask of you. Be there for my dad like he was for me.

Be there for Barack Obama because our country needs him. Be there for both of them because millions of families need to know that their best days aren’t behind them, but ahead of them. Be there for both of them because millions of people are trying to overcome, just like my dad overcame. Be there. Be there because Barack Obama and Joe Biden will deliver America the change we so desperately need. Please join me in welcoming my friend, my father, my hero and the next vice president of the United States: Joe Biden.

An ad showing what happens if chemicals were human (via buzzfeed):

Plus what if fonts were human (from CollegeHumor):

Ever wondered how maybe, just maybe, we might be too trusting in getting on that bus and sitting beside a stranger and then falling asleep. Well, be warned.

Screaming passengers fled in terror from a Greyhound bus as an unidentified fellow passenger suddenly stabbed a man sleeping next to him, decapitated him and waved the severed head at horrified witnesses standing outside.

This rocks. Although I think it is dumb. It is also definitely not an activity that can be done in mixed gender pairs because the guy is so going to get distracted, fall and die.

YouTube video to send to your friends.

On hindsight, it was obvious this was going to happen. A site dedicated to hooking older women with younger men. But how does a site like this really work? After all, women lie about their age.

via:buzzfeed