Ian On The Red Dot

Double-barrelled racial classification … What will our government think of next? Don’t they realize they are making it harder for us IT guys. Like way way harder.

Two conversations related to mixed heritage and this change:

Conversation 1 with my busty Indian friend.

Busty Indian Friend: I’m not pure Indian. A part of me is actually Chinese.

Me: Which part is Chinese?

Busty Indian Friend: Definitely not the top part.

Conversation 2 with colleagues.

Setting: In the office, discussing the implications of the changes in classification on IT systems and the confusion that might arise when people start filling up forms.

Colleague A: So let me ask you. What do you call a person whose father is Indian-Portuguese and mother is Chinese-Malay.

Me: Beautiful.

Scene: The food court at the new ION Orchard Center.

B: Damn it, things are getting more expensive. A plate of chicken rice for $7.00. In a food court. Fuck!

G: Well, this is town. It would have been more expensive if we had eaten at Crystal Jade.

B: Different. At Crystal Jade, we won’t have to hunt for seats. Plus, chicken rice at food court can be obtained for $4.00 next door. Damn it, ION Orchard is going to set a new benchmark which other food courts will follow. Damn landowners. Charging high rents which lead to business people charging high prices. We’re fucked.

G: Stop whining like a bitch. If you don’t like it, leave Singapore.

B: Fuck you. I’m going to tweet about this.

G: On your new HTC Hero which costs $200 when you had a perfectly usable BlackBerry?

B: Yeah.

G: You wouldn’t see irony even if it came in a form of a hot naked chick and clubbed you on the head.

Phone rings at 4am.

Guy who was sleeping picks up phone.

Girl: Are you awake?

Guy: I am now.

Asking someone who has just answered the phone whether he or she is awake is a dumb question. The correct question would be ‘Were you sleeping?’.

Actually, just dispense with the question and apologize for calling at an insane time just to whine about how miserable your life is when you are staying in a bungalow, have an awesome salary, a great job, a great bunch of friends BUT cannot seem to find the right guy for yourself only because you have a roving pair of eyes.

Overhead:
———–
Girl: Yongfook is sooooo cute..

Guy: I don’t get what’s the big deal about this guy. Take away his looks which is really all the work of his parents and what do you have? Just another geeky programmer.

Girl: but a good programmer.

Guy: dime a dozen. Take that away and what do you have?

Girl: A damn good cook.

Guy: I can’t throw a shoe along Orchard Road without hitting a good cook. Take that away? What do you get?

Girl: you.

Guy: fuck you!

Girl: sorry. I don’t have sex with guys like you.

Guy: that wasn’t a question.

Girl: oh…
———–
Don’t be a hater. Join the fan club here.

What is the difference between a dream and a nightmare?

The size of your balls.

A: I can’t believe that girl is using the handicap toilet. There’s nothing wrong with her.

B: There is obviously something wrong with her.

A: Where? She got all her limbs. Can walk. Looks ok what.

B: She can’t read. That’s a handicap.

A: May I ask why you are doing this?

B: Sure.

A: Why are you doing this?

B: You may ask but you may not know the answer.

Had two gatherings yesterday evening. One was with the Plurksters and the other with some friends.

The conversations at both gatherings were really interesting. Some highlights:

Girl: You should never call your bf by his name.
Us: Why?
Girl: You get so used to saying a certain name, that after you break up, you tend to call the new bf by the old bf’s name.
Us: Ouch.
Guy: That’s why I call all my girlfriends dear. Never can make mistake with the name.

Someone: I am God’s gift to women.
In my mind: I am God’s gift to lesbians. After I date a girl, she will never want to date another man and will confirm switch to the other team.

This was overheard at a dinner last night.

Guy: My gf does not allow me to talk to her when I play DOTA.

Everyone: Why?

Guy: She said I don’t concentrate.

Everyone: Is she right?

Guy: Of course not. I’m definitely concentrating on my game.

It is 2.16am according to my computer’s clock. I’m alone in the office waiting for some production stuff to happen before I can get to work. Anyway, here is something I heard at a first aid course.

————————————————————-

Instructor: What do you do when a guy comes with a broken arm?

Student: Make sure he doesn’t move his arm so that matters don’t become worse.

Instructor: Nope. You tell him man don’t cry and man don’t feel pain. Tell him to stop being a wimp and throw him a plaster. Remember, whatever a guy comes with, throw him a plaster.

Student: — silence –

Instructor: Now, what do you do when a girl comes.

Student: What is she suffering from?

Instructor: Doesn’t matter. Resuscitation is the first thing you do.