Ian On The Red Dot

Had two gatherings yesterday evening. One was with the Plurksters and the other with some friends.

The conversations at both gatherings were really interesting. Some highlights:

Girl: You should never call your bf by his name.
Us: Why?
Girl: You get so used to saying a certain name, that after you break up, you tend to call the new bf by the old bf’s name.
Us: Ouch.
Guy: That’s why I call all my girlfriends dear. Never can make mistake with the name.

Someone: I am God’s gift to women.
In my mind: I am God’s gift to lesbians. After I date a girl, she will never want to date another man and will confirm switch to the other team.

This was overheard at a dinner last night.

Guy: My gf does not allow me to talk to her when I play DOTA.

Everyone: Why?

Guy: She said I don’t concentrate.

Everyone: Is she right?

Guy: Of course not. I’m definitely concentrating on my game.

It is 2.16am according to my computer’s clock. I’m alone in the office waiting for some production stuff to happen before I can get to work. Anyway, here is something I heard at a first aid course.

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Instructor: What do you do when a guy comes with a broken arm?

Student: Make sure he doesn’t move his arm so that matters don’t become worse.

Instructor: Nope. You tell him man don’t cry and man don’t feel pain. Tell him to stop being a wimp and throw him a plaster. Remember, whatever a guy comes with, throw him a plaster.

Student: — silence –

Instructor: Now, what do you do when a girl comes.

Student: What is she suffering from?

Instructor: Doesn’t matter. Resuscitation is the first thing you do.

Two guys just finished playing soccer at NUS.  Guy A is more concerned about personal hygiene so decides to go and have a bath.

Guy A: Are you going to bathe?

Guy B: No.

Guy A(thinking to himself): Stinko.  At least he has his own car and won’t need to take a ride from me.

Guy A: Ok.  Then can you watch my bag?  I don’t want to bring it into the toilet in case it gets wet.

Guy B: Ok.

TEN MINUTES LATER

(Guy A just finished NS so his bathing style is NS trained - fast.  Put soap on hair.  Let water wash the soap down to rest of body.  wipe wipe abit.  Pour more water.  Done.)

Guy A comes out of the toilet and sees his bag is gone.

Guy A: Wtf!  Where is my bag.

Guy B: Oh, the cleaner took it away.

Guy A: Why didn’t you stop him?  I asked you to watch my bag leh.
Guy B: You told me to watch your bag.  I did what.  I watched your bag get taken away by the cleaner.

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The world is watching.  I’m sure they are so so scared.

If you have to ask, you don’t deserve an answer.

Sample Questions:

1.  Is this a joke?

2.  Is this a parody?

3.  Is this present for me?

4.  Dear, what did I do wrong this time?

Engineering Guy Crashing Art Faculty’s Lecture:  Dude, how do you even concentrate during lecture with all the hot girls around.

Art Student:  Not very well.

Engineering Guy:  Yup.  Thought so.  I think I would be able to concentrate better without the gals.

Art Student:  So how are your lectures?

Engineering Guy:  I don’t know.  I don’t go for them.

Art Student:  Why not?

Engineering Guy:  No girls.

Guy to girl: Are you free for dinner tomorrow evening?

Girl to guy: Yes.  But not with you.

I was telling my family about this incident at the Greenwood Fish Market that occurred when I was picking up my fish&chips.

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‘atas’ Singaporean Chinese girl with accent (pleading) : Please….. can’t you give us a table.

Waitress : I’m sorry. The tables are all reserved.

‘atas’ Singaporean Chinese girl with accent (pleading) : But the tables are all empty. Can’t you just let us have a table. We just lurveeeeeeeee the food here. We will be finished fast. I mean…there is no one at the tables now.

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At this point of the story, my uncle interrupted.

Uncle: The girl very stupid. If there were people at the tables, the waitress would have said occupied and not reserved.

Touche.

Boy A: I Can Get Any Girl Just By Snapping My Fingers!

Boy B: Then why are you single?

Boy A: The girl I like is deaf.