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The Most Awesome iPhone App For Perverts

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Are You A Social Media Climber?

Social Media Climber

noun.
Someone who assiduously builds himself (it’s usually a him) up as a social media expert with copious blog posts, tweets, et cetera that cite what the genuine innovators have done, and adds on a layer of jargon and marketing speak in the hope that clueless brand manager types will hire him as a consultant, and similarly ignorant media will think of him as an expert. (The latter is likely, because media types tend to have take the ‘re’ out of ‘research’ and hit Google, and the SMC will have ensured high rankings by linking to — and being linked back to reciprocally by — other SMCs.) If either of these things happen at least once, he will then post/tweet/status-message it to all and sundry. Over time, he starts to believe it himself.
The only people more boring than SMCs are SEOs.

via: zigzackly

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3 Advantages Of Being Old

1. I can sleep sitting up.
2. Can watch rerun of movies without knowing the ending.
3. I forgot.

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I Can’t Believe I Didn’t See This Hot Babes Service Coming

After years of playing golf with my dad with a female caddy following us on the course during puberty and the period of my life where girls first entered my radar in a significant manner, I can’t believe I never saw this and this coming.

Not only are they BEAUTIFUL, but they know the difference between a putter and wedge, take care of your ball, clean your clubs, drive your cart, fix divots, tend the pin, and most importantly keep you smiling! You’ll be the envy of your fellow golfers with a day on the greens with the PLATINUM TEES.

Some phrases which are just going to have different meanings from now on:

1. Did she clean your clubs?
2. How many strokes did she give you.

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex:

10. There’s no foreplay before playing the hole.
9. You can piss in the hole after you’ve taken your balls out and your friends think it’s funny.
8. You can play 18 holes and not feel like you’re cheating on your wife.
7. You don’t have to buy dinner and flowers before you play each hole.
6. Your don’t get embarrassed about the size of your putter.
5. If you let your friend use your 9 iron they won’t become attached and try to control your life.
4. You can whack the shit out of your balls at each hole and it doesn’t hurt a bit.
3. You can putt from the rough and not be accused of homosexuality by your friends.
2. You can drink beer while counting your strokes during play at each hole.
1. If you get a hole in one your not obligated to sleep the night.

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Murder Mystery On Train Not So Fun In Real Life

From here:

“I can’t believe they stopped the train at the next crossing,” telemarketer Joe Stimpson said. “I thought this sort of thing was supposed to slowly unfold while we were still moving, not drag on forever in some middle-of-nowhere cornfield.”

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Guys Are Really Easy To Understand

Guys are really easy to understand. The great Ctrl + Alt + Del has been explaining it for years:

We like beer:

Beer

We like boobs:

You can make us do anything with boobs:

We like games (especially those with boobs):

And we like food:

If you enjoyed these examples, please go to the main site to check out more.

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Musing about Life

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How To Generate A Working Frozen Throne CD Key

Sometimes it gets irritating when you have to reinstall Frozen Throne after reformatting your hard disk and then you realized that you have lost the CD Key. But don’t worry, if you have at least one working CD Key, you can use it as a base to generate more working ones.

For example, check out the post (which was found here) below: (PLEASE REFER TO THE END OF THIS POST)

Blizzard was very intelligent when they created their algorithms for the Cd-Key’s that are used in Frozen Throne. Interesting enough I never found this algorithm before in any other game that used CD-Keys. There is a way to create working cd-keys from existing VALID cd-keys. It dont matter what condition your valid cd-key is in becuase it does not affect the proccess of creating the new one. What I found most interesting tho is once creating the working cd-key from an original valid cd-key, the generated one cannot be re-copied to a valid cd-key. Interesting enough, thus here is what blizzard did not what you to know. Here is the process of creating the new one:

1: To all the string characters (a-z), go up three in the alphabet. ie- [b] becomes [e], [a] becomes [d], ect… Apply this to ALL of the letters. If its [z] for example, start back at [a].

2: To all the integers (1-9), add +3 to them. that wasnt so hard no was it? If the number is 9 to start off with start at 1 dont go to 10+. So lets say you got 8 on there. You would go 9,1,2. So the number in the cd-key would turn to 2 instead of 11. After 9 it goes directly back to one. so 9 —-> 1. :)

I’ve got two cd-keys because of this process out of one. Now me and my friend play. The way I figured out this algorithm was through number crunching hundreds of Cd-keys contributed by voulenteers to find a pattern in some way. There is also one more way to get a deffenite valid cd-key copy from a original valid cd-key, but its complication’s are hardly worth it for me to list here. If you got any troubles, ie- not working, send me an email and I shall see if you mis-calculated somewhere, which would be pretty pathetic :). If you intrigue me enough, I may even tell to you the other process, but try this one first and hollar at me if it dont work WITH (Not the original) But copied cd-key attached in your email. Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your time..

You can reach me at oo-pen@programmer.net and o-pen@programmer.net

Good luck and safe travels.

Ok. Quick Question – WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS POST? Just a hint – the algorithm doesn’t work.

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How To Confuse An Idiot

YouTube video to send to your friends.

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George Carlin On Religion / Christianity

This routine of George Carlin actually crystallized a lot of my thoughts about God and gave more to think about.

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that. If I can see something, I don’t know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy. Doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn’t said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don’t pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship. It’s not polite.

I’ve often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It’s not nice. And it’s no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you’d really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn’t it seem a little arrogant? It’s a Divine Plan. What’s the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit’s foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that’s a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn’t care for, by the way. And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.” That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

In fact, I’m gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody’s okay? All right, tell you what, I’ll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I’ve got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I’m blind. I’m blind, oh, now I’m okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

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George Carlin On Abortion

The longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear the phrase “sanctity of life,” “sanctity of life.” You believe in it? Personally, I think it’s a bunch of shit. I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

How come when it’s with us, it’s an ‘abortion’, and when it’s with chickens it’s an ‘omelet’?

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

And my favorite:

If you think a fetus is more important than a woman, try getting a fetus wash the shit stains out of your underwear!

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