There seems to be some discussion about this particular phrase “Virginity is a state of mind” with regards to the controversial CSE programme by AWARE. One of the issue with this statement is the total absurdity of it from a physical POV. If a girl has had penetrative sex (i.e. had a penis inserted into a vagina or even the ass), obviously she is no longer a virgin, at least from the perspective that virginity is defined by the physical state that an individual can be in.
From a progammer’s POV, the class Human has a boolean field virginity with default value true. After the method insertPenisIntoVagina (or insertPenisIntoAss) has been called, the boolean field virginity is changed to false.
Yet being a virgin and conversely not being a virgin, in some sectors of our society, carries a whole lot of connatations than just being a change in physical state.
Go to Google and enter this as a search term ‘define:virginity‘.
Some of the results:
virgin – pure: in a state of sexual virginity; “pure and vestal modesty”; “a spinster or virgin lady”; “men have decreed that their women must be pure and virginal”
virginal – untouched or undefiled
Now, let’s use google and search with this term ‘define: undefiled‘.
immaculate: free from stain or blemish
Again from a computer programmer’s POV, the class Human has a boolean field called ‘moral person’ (i.e good person, the kind you want your son or daughter to marry) with default value true.
To some segments of our society, when you call the method insertPenisIntoVagina, the boolean field ‘moral person’ becomes false.
Do you know what shame and guilt can do to a person? There are very real esteem issues that can arise when we keep drumming into our youth that just because they are no longer virgins they are defiled and not pure. Once you tell someone they have lost something, it is much easier for them to behave in a manner consistent with not having it than actually be encouraged to get it back. Basically, you tell kids them losing virginity equal to them being delinquents (cos only immoral spawn of the devil will have premarital sex) they will behave so.
Well, the way some of us approach the issue of virginity dumps a whole lot of guilt, shame and esteem issues on our kids. Now, this can be bad in a whole lot of ways.
Not So Hypothetical Scenario 1.
The young naive girl has sex once because she thinks she loves a guy. They break up. She moves on to another relationship. This time she wants to value herself more and not just be used as some fuck toy. The guy tells her, ‘why so uptight. I mean, not say you are a virgin. Just bang bang only what. I mean, you love me right?’
Now she looks at herself and goes, ‘Yeah, I mean, it is true. I’ve done it once. What’s the difference between doing it a second time. Not like I can reset my physical state. So yeah, I lose it already might as well just do. After all, I do love this guy.’
Not So Hypothetical Scenario 2.
Similar to the above, but this time, the guy is slightly nastier. ‘Don’t be a bitch lah. You think you damn fucking atas and pure is it. I know you not virgin. Just 1 fuck also act like your pussy is some treasure cave that cannot open.’
The girl thinks, ‘Yeah, I’m trash. I mean, my mom and sunday school teacher told me that if I lose my virginity, I’m no longer pure. I’m dirty. He is probably right, I mean, it isn’t like I haven’t done it before. Maybe I’m being too uptight.’
Not all of us grow up in the same environment. Some of us are taught to value something more than others. Just because someone isn’t a virgin doesn’t make a person any less moral. But certain segments of our society place such importance in this physical state that it can cloud how we look at someone else – we see, not someone who might have had sex because they thought it was a natural extension of being in love, but a filthy dirty corrupted individual who just couldn’t control himself or herself.
‘Virginity is a state of mind’ allows people to do a soft reset. Yes, the physical state may not have changed, but that one decision in the past does not need to affect how they approach future situations when they are put in a position where sex is going to happened (or pressure is applied to make it happen).
From a computer programmer’s POV, just because the boolean field ‘virginity’ is equal to ‘false’ does not mean that the boolean field ‘will_have_sex’ is set to true always. The soft reset is a decrease of the integer variable ‘likely_to_have_sex_because_of_past_decisions’ to a number close to zero if not zero.
‘Virginity is a state of mind’ also allows those who value virginity and attach such strong moral attitudes to it to separate another individual’s past physical actions and current state of moral and emotional being.
At the end of the day, Christians can’t diss the statement ‘Virginity is a state of mind’ when they attach moral values and principles to the physical state of being a virgin because they clearly have shown that ‘Virginity is NOT just a physical state’ and if not just physical, and it is only our mind (and ok, maybe our soul) that can perceive moral implications of our actions, it is clearly that the Christians believe ‘Virginity IS INDEED ALSO a state of mind’.
Further Thoughts:
I realized that I might have been approaching this statement from the wrong POV. There is some evidence that there are youths who JUST engage in oral and anal sex to MAINTAIN THEIR VIRGINITY. These youths have a narrow definition of what sex is – to them, oral and anal sex is NOT SEX because they aren’t losing their virginity doing it (i.e. the penis is not inserted into a vagina). In a way, their definition of sex is like Bill Clinton’s.
But I digress.
What this narrow definition of sex leads to is a state of mind where, although they are engaging in sexual activities, the youths think they are safe because they are, after all based on the traditional definition of virginity, still virgins.
Alan S.L. Wong | 18-May-09 at 12:10 pm | Permalink
Agreed – “Yes, the physical state may not have changed, but that one decision in the past does not need to affect how they approach future situations …”
However, I would not use “virginity is a state of the mind” to support the above.
Problem with using hypothetical scenario – Other hypothetical situations can be conjured up. Consider this: A boy asks a girl (virgin) for sex. The girl hesitated. The boy says, “Virgnity is a state of the mind” – even after we had done it you are still a virgin as long as you think you are. The girl says, “OK”.
You may be interested to read my critique of AWARE’s CSE Instructor Guide at http://www.vtaide.com/blessing/AWARE-cse.htm
iantimothy | 18-May-09 at 12:56 pm | Permalink
Hello Alan, thanks for dropping by and I did enjoy your critique. Some good points there.
More specifically, when talking about ‘Virginity is a state of mind’, I do agree that your scenario is a plausible one and knowing young boys out there, is a highly probable one.
I do realize that when teaching anything, context is important. Taken alone, this statement is ammo for all the wrong things.
Before I continue, I approach the statement from a POV that we put so many other connotations on the word ‘virgin’ beyond that of being a physical state.
Now, with regards to your example, it seems the premise of it is based that people want to retain their virginity so they lie to themselves about it and the CSE’s statement allows them that lie. The truth is, or rather, I see it that people want to know that they aren’t doing something deviant and morally wrong when they engage in sex. A better statement would have been ‘The Moral Implications Of Virginity Is A State Of Mind’ but I’m guessing their shorter statement was to mean the same thing.
Ok, back to your points on the statement. I do think you are right that when addressing this point, the 3 different groups have to be considered and the statement has to be elaborated properly and probably differently for each of these 3 groups.
Musings | 18-May-09 at 4:58 pm | Permalink
I think what you are saying is that “virginity” as a (moral) concept should not matter, because it is troublesome in that it results in teenagers behaving even more recklessly after discovering that they’ve lost their virginity.
If so then what needs to be taught is not “virginity is a state of mind”.
It should rather be, “virginity doesn’t matter. Just have safer sex”.
Are you comfortable with the above ?
Personally, I think that virginity as a concept has (practical) value, and this is apart from what people may value in virginity as a moral concept.
For as long as a person remains a virgin, and by this I mean abstinence from any form of sex, he / she will not be at risk of unwanted pregnancies or STI infections. Which is the reason why people advocate practical instruction on sexuality for teenagers to begin with — they don’t want teenagers to get into unwanted pregnancies or get STI infections.
Therefore, I think there is value in teaching about virginity an ideal in that it is risk-free, without avoiding from the other message which is that sex, if unavoidable, is to be carried out as safely as possible.
In this connection, teaching that “virginity is a state of mind” is dangerous in the sense that it encourages denial.
If a teenager had engaged in unsafe sex we would want him / her to get tested.
If someone is not a virgin he / she should be tested before having sex with his / her next partner, particularly in the case of couples looking to conceive as an infection can be passed to the child.
As you can see, denial (ie. “I’m still a virgin notwithstanding my multiple sex partners”) can have disastrous consequences for the individual and people around him.
If there is a risk that teenagers might behave more recklessly after discovering that they’ve lost their virginity, then what needs to be taught is responsible behaviour after an regrettable act. This means getting themselves tested for STIs / pregnancies, taking medication to treat their STIs if necessary, and avoiding sexual contact until the infection is cleared (assuming it can be cured).
In la la land, it is possible to say that anything including “virginity is a state of mind”.
In the real world, all our acts have consequences. You may think that there is nothing immoral about having sex, but that does not change the fact that there are risks to engaging in sexual intercourse, particularly if the sex is unsafe.
You may also wish to note that encouraging teenagers to live in denial (whether in the case of sex or something else), contributes little to their development into mature adults.
iantimothy | 18-May-09 at 5:24 pm | Permalink
@Musings, I don’t think that I said virginity as a moral concept does not matter. On the contrary, I think it does.
What i’m saying is that not everyone might agree with me because of their own backgrounds and we should not stigmatize such individuals and alienate them.
What I’m saying is that once you say virginity has moral connotations, then virginity is more than a matter of physical state and hence an issue of the mind because only the mind can comprehend moral implications of our actions.
Now, in context of the CSE, it does seem to cover all the points you have mentioned about safer sex, STDs, testings, pregnancies …
And I agree all the above needs to be covered. Teaching that virginity is a state of mind does not negate the need for the above nor is it a statement saying that above is not needed.
On a last note, I realize that virginity is a state of mind can actually be a statement that is both cautionary and liberating.
The cautionary aspect is directed at those who are engaging in sexual activities but still think they are virgins because they are not having vaginal sex. Studies have shown that youths do adopt such attitudes about their activities. I’ve written 1 other post linking to one such study.
The liberating aspect is like what I mentioned in the original post. Whatever decision was made that resulted in first sex, your subsequent actions and life need not be dictated by this change in physical state. I do agree that this does not mean that the youth should live life like nothing happened (all the precautions you mentioned about tests and such should be done still) but the youth need not feel guilt and shame or be defined by just 1 event in their life which personally I feel is what happens when we harp on this whole virginity thing be it a physical state or moral concept.