Ian On The Red Dot

Ok, so you and the guys decide to go to Zouk on a Wednesday night for mambo. The plan is to go out for a good time, get seriously wasted with tons of alcohol and hopefully find a group of girls to hang with. The ultimate plan is to hook up with one of the gals and bring her to your home or some hotel and get laid or maybe just a bit of making out in the car.

At Zouk, things start out a bit slow. Everyone is going for the one-for-one deal and other promotions…the bar is packed, the waitresses ignore you and there doesn’t seem to be any hot girls on the dance floor or for that matter anywhere. Finally, you guys get your drinks and the fun kinda starts.

After an hour, you pass the ‘Am I drunk test?’. You know you have passed the test if everyone suddenly looks good.

Pumped up with dutch courage, you and your mates decide to hit the dance floor. Standing in a circle, you guys begin to ‘move’ to the music. With a little bit of strategic planning and manoeuvring, the group manages to position itself beside a bunch of girls dancing wildly. Now the trick is, how can the group manoeuvre into a position where they can dance with the girls or at least stand around or near them to get some cheap action.

So the night wears on, and no luck yet. You notice one of your friends (Jim) having broken off from the pack with a girl dancing wildly with him. She is gyrating her ass against his crotch and you can see his ‘little brother’ is kinda enjoying it, but his face betrays a certain disinterest. You see him slowly disengage himself from the girl and rejoins the group. The girl is now left dancing alone. You whip out your phone and text a message to him. His reply, “Cannot make it lah that girl!”.

You think your friend is crazy for rejecting a girl with a hot body in a sexy outfit willing to rub her ass against him. You decide to move in. His loss your gain. So you try to as casually as possible position yourself in her dancing space, hoping that she bestows the same kind of attention on you as she had done to your friend. And she does. Woot! Woot! Woot!

After a few minutes of raba-raba on the dance floor, she leans over and introduces herself. Woot! Woot! Woot!

The raba-raba continues and then she leans over and says, “I need a drink”. Before you can reply, she grabs your hand and starts pushing her way through the crowd. At the bar counter, she orders two jugs of vodka-ribena and you go, “Shit..two jugs damn ex..die lah..got to pay..shit man… should have known not to follow her!!!”.

But before you can grudgingly take out you wallet to pay for the drinks, she whips our her credit card for the waiter. Woot! Woot! Woot! Dumb Jim really let go off a good thing. And so the drinks keep on flowing all thanks to this hot rich chiobu.

After a couple of jugs, the two of you return to the dance floor and before you know it, there is some serious tongue action. Both your hands are all over each other and you tell yourself, “Woot! Woot! Woot!”.

She leans over and asks, “Do you want to come to my place?”. “Duh.. ,” you say to yourself, but to her, “Ok…”. So she grabs your hand and leads you out of Zouk.

Under the brighter light, you get a better look at her face, and you go,”Oh shit. This girl is FUgly…Why didn’t I notice it earlier?”. You break hand contact and take your phone out, pretending to talk to one of your buddies. You tell her that your friends are still in Zouk waiting for you and before she can reply, you turn around and make your escape.

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So you finally rejoin the group and you guys head off for supper at some famous Bak Ku Teh store. And they start making fun of you.

“Wah lau…that girl so fugly you also want, ” says Random Friend A.
“I thought I told you cannot make it leh, ” says Jim.

“Yeah man.. Jack..you horny also cannot so despo leh,” says Johnny.

“Not cool man..not cool…some more saw you kiss her until like that,” said Random Friend B.

And deep down inside, you know you will never hear the end of this topic. The night that Jack shoved his tongue down a fugly chick’s mouth.

And that is the thing about guys. They already know the girl is f*cking ugly so to joke about her is pretty pointless and not funny at all. However, when a friend is either drunk, dumb, horny, despo enough to hook up with one…now that is fodder for endless tekan sessions. The guys always know who actually f*cked up in a story like this.
And in this story…it was you! Horny and desperate to get laid plus overwhelmed by the money the girl threw at you when buying alcohol for you.

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And that is what I think of UNSW pulling out of Singapore.

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And sometimes, when the guy has to pull out, because he didn’t have the ability to go all the way, maybe, just maybe it isn’t cos the girl is fugly. The girl could be as hot as Jessica Alba but the guy still needs the pills so he can stand up and be counted.